“Am I Doing Enough?” – Navigating the Inner Conflict of Parenting Neurodivergent Kids

Do you ever find yourself caught in that constant inner tug-of-war—“Am I doing enough?”

As a parent of a neurodivergent (ND) child, this question can feel like a steady drumbeat in the background of our daily lives. We're balancing so much: the desire to fully embrace and celebrate our child’s authentic self, while also navigating systems that often demand intervention, support plans, therapies, and evaluations.

At what point do we just breathe and allow our kids to be who they are? When do we stop pathologizing their neuro-psycho-social differences and start normalizing them as natural variations of being human?

And yet... when do we seek professional or educational support? And if we do, how do we find safe people and safe spaces—those that will not further harm or traumatize our children, but truly walk alongside us as partners in support?

These are not simple questions with neat answers. But asking them means you’re already doing one of the most important things: parenting with intention and love.

The Balance Between Acceptance and Support when you are Parenting Neurodivergent Kids

Parenting neurodivergent kids means living in the in-between. We are often encouraged to intervene early, diagnose, and treat—which, for some families, is helpful and necessary. But we must also be cautious of the systems that view neurodivergence through an ableist lens—where difference is framed as disorder and divergence as deficiency.

Our children are not problems to be fixed. They are whole people with their own pace, interests, ways of thinking, connecting, regulating, and thriving.

Therapeutic and educational support can be valuable—when it is neuro-affirming, respectful, and consent-based. But sometimes, what our children need most isn’t therapy—it’s space. Space to stim. To learn in ways that work for them. To connect without being forced into neurotypical social norms. To rest from masking.

The question isn’t always what therapy—but rather: Does this support honor my child’s nervous system, autonomy, and identity?

Finding Safe People and Spaces

The right support should feel like an extension of your values as a family.

Look for:

• Neurodivergent-affirming professionals (often ND themselves or well-versed in the lived experience).

• Trauma-informed spaces where your child’s boundaries are respected.

• Inclusive educational models that allow for flexibility, accommodations, and learner-directed pacing.

• Peer support groups for both you and your child.

It’s okay to say no to a path that doesn’t feel safe, even if it’s widely recommended. Your instincts matter.

The Basic Principles of Neuro-affirming Parenting

Neuro-affirming parenting is a respectful, compassionate approach grounded in the belief that neurodivergent children are not broken—they are whole, worthy, and uniquely wired. Instead of trying to make ND kids fit into neurotypical norms, this approach centers their lived experience, supports their natural development, and protects their mental and emotional safety.

🌱 1. Acceptance Over Fixing

• Your child doesn’t need to be “corrected” or “cured.”

• Their neurodivergence is a part of who they are—not a problem to solve.

• Celebrate their uniqueness and reject deficit-based thinking.

🧠 2. Presume Competence

• Believe that your child is capable, even if they communicate or process the world differently.

• Support autonomy and self-expression.

• Avoid underestimating their abilities or over-pathologizing their behavior.

🗣️ 3. Honor Communication Differences

• All forms of communication are valid: verbal, AAC, scripting, body language, stimming.

• Don’t force eye contact, speech, or social “norms.”

• Learn their language instead of demanding they learn yours.

❤️ 4. Co-Regulation Over Compliance

• Focus on connection, not control.

• Prioritize emotional safety, nervous system regulation, and relationship-based strategies.

• Move away from behaviorism and towards understanding what’s beneath the behavior.

🪞 5. Validate Lived Experience

• Listen to neurodivergent adults—especially those with lived experience similar to your child.

• Don’t dismiss or ignore their perspectives in favor of outdated therapies or expert opinions that lack lived insight.

🛡️ 6. Protect From Harmful Systems

• Be cautious of therapies or schooling environments that promote masking, shame, or compliance at the cost of mental health.

• Advocate for accommodations, not assimilation.

• Your child deserves to feel safe, respected, and seen—everywhere.

🌈 7. Let Them Be Their Authentic Selves

• Allow your child to stim, play, learn, and connect in ways that feel right for them.

• Joy, curiosity, and self-trust are more important than fitting in.

• Empower identity formation that is positive, not pathologized.

🧭 8. Parent With Curiosity, Not Fear

• It’s okay not to have all the answers.

• Stay open, ask questions, and unlearn alongside your child.

• Your presence, love, and willingness to see them fully matters more than perfection.

Gratitude for the Change-makers

I am so grateful for the growing number of neurodivergent advocates, educators, and mental health professionals who are helping to shift the narrative. They remind us that autism and other forms of neurodivergence are not tragedies—but natural human variations with their own beauty, challenges, and wisdom.

As parents, we are learning too. We are unlearning generations of ableism, embracing curiosity, and trying to build a better, kinder world—not just for our children, but for all neurotypes to thrive.

If you’ve been wondering whether you’re doing enough—you are. The very act of questioning and reflecting with love means you’re showing up in the best possible way.

Books to Read

• NeuroTribes: the Legacy of Autism and the Future of Neurodiversity by Steve Silberman

• Uniquely Human: a Different Way of Seeing Autism by Dr. Barry M Prizant

• Divergent Mind  by Jenara Nerenberg

• Workplace Neurodiversity Rising by Lyric Rivera

• Your Child Is Not Broken by Heidi Mavir

• Not an Autism Mom Book Lists

• See my Recommended List of Ausome Books

In conclusion, parenting neurodivergent kids and more specifically, neuro-affirming parenting, isn’t about fixing our kids—it’s about seeing them, accepting them, and creating safe, loving spaces for them to thrive just as they are. If this blog post resonated with you, know that you are not alone. Your questions are valid. Your love is powerful. And your child is exactly who they’re meant to be.